About running

For a long time I hated running.

I hated when I had to push my limits.

I hated it for feeling being lousy at some thing.

I also hated the feeling when adrenaline makes your blood run around your wains.

The feeling of the adrenaline rush reminded me too closely the physical feeling of fear.

I hated it so much, I started to cry, so that people would leave me alone and not ask me to do more.

I hated it so much, that I got asthma and hyperventilation and bad knees.

Ok, the asthma and bad knees were always there coming,

but I also took them as my favorite excuses. 

But sometimes I ran.

It was one way to beat myself.

When I had really high self loath, I went for running,

so I could run the bad feeling away.

And it helped.

The exercise made my body feel better

and I felt better when I could, by running ,punish myself for being so lousy person.

I ran so far and so fast I could until the asthma kicked in.

Which wasn’t too far, few hundred meters max.

Today I run.

Not because I need to punish myself.

This I haven’t done in years now,

but because I want to.

Because I love running.

Because I love the adrenaline rush which makes me feel stronger and makes me feel alive.

Because running and exercising my body makes me feel better.

I run today for 5km.

How did I do this?

I can name a few things.

Firstly by finding pleasant place to run.

I run on empty forest roads behind my house.

The dirt road is soft under my sneaker. The forest air is easy to breath.

There is no noise or other people.

I can be there just with myself.

I can hear the wind dancing in the trees,

smell the warm pine tree forest and feel the sun on my skin.

Secondly, the environment makes it easy for me to be present.

Conscious about my breathing.

Listening to my body.

I can breath away the little voice in my head,

which tries to say “you can’t run, you have asthma”.

Taking a deep conscious breath I say to it, “I can, and I will”.

At some point I need to slow down and walk for a moment.

My body will always tell me, when is the time to slow down, so I could continue.

But it is ok, as thirdly,

I don’t need to run as fast and as far away as other people without breathing problems.

I run as far away and as fast, as my body and mind will allow me to.

As fast and far away as I want, without comparing myself to any other runner.

After a few walked steps I can continue running again.

And lastly, I know what to expect.

Every time when I start running it feels bad and unpleasant at first.

My lungs don’t like that they need suddenly more air and are burning,

the knee support things, I need to use to be able to run,

feel too tight around my knees and the little voice asks “why you do this to yourself”.

After awhile the endorphins from physical exercise start to fill my body

and the running starts to feel good.

I start to smile and enjoy the moment with all my senses.

My activity bracelet vibrates happy messages

about my process with little smiley faces on the screen.

I lose my rhythm when huge forest grouse takes off from the bushes near me

and I laugh and continue running finding my rhythm and breathing again.

At some point the endorphin rush is gone and I start to feel unpleasant again.

My body feels tired and I know this is the point where I usually stop running.

This is where my body has been adapted to quit.

This is how far I have run before.

But this time I want to go little bit more far away.

Today I want to run one more kilometer.

Today I can do it, because I want to.

So, not listening the voices in my head, I run the last kilometer,

without breathing problems,

the stress pain in my knees long forgotten

and enjoying the lake view that opens on top of the last hill before home.

Back home I feel like a champion. i did it.

And I’m so proud of myself.

Afterwards I feel my self more confident.

I carry my body more straight.

I feel more strong and ready for any challenge life will give on my way.