Take care

I often here that I'm a cool person,
because I'm always so happy and energetic
That it is nice to read my happy writings.
That it is nice to be around me,
because I have good things happening to me.

I appreciate this feedback
and I'm truly happy,
if I can share joy and happiness to people around me.
If they can get energy from me and my being.

But it is not the whole truth.
There is also bad, sad and stressful moments in my life.
I don't like to talk about them,
as I don't want to burden people around me.
I don't want to hear them saying again

"What is wrong with you,
where is the Pirita who is always so happy?"

It makes me feel even more bad.
It takes away the space for me to feel my feelings.
It lays expectations on me,
which I can not fulfill in that moment.

Why do I then write about this now?
Not because I want to.
But because I feel it is important.
Because I want to say out loud,
what happened in December.
Why I didn't write anything,
why I didn't see my friends, go out, exercise,
or generally do anything I love and is important to me.

For those of you,
who don't know it.
December and Christmas time is the worst time
of the year living in Lapland.
It means thousands and thousands busloads
of people coming here from all over the world
for the Santa Claus and the winter wonderland.

Usually it means working around the clock,
without days off or any free time in general,
no lunch breaks, too less working power
and most certainly you are not allowed to get the flu,
or if you do, you are expected to come to work anyway.

Most people say.
well it's just one month, we can rest after it.
Or that it is the nature of this work.

I believed this.
I believed I can do it too.
I didn't say 'NO' when they presented the plan for the December.
I didn't think about my own well being.
I didn't think about me.
And what's worst, this was not the first time.
Half year before I was in the exact same situation.
Back then I promise to myself I will never do this again.
And here we went again.

But this time I said 'STOP'.
I was present for my body, although I had neglected my own life.
I recognized all the symptoms of acute stress reaction and exhaustion.
And I demanded time to rest and recover.
And I got some.

And then (of course) the seasonal flu hit me.
(Fuuuuuuck).

I survived.
Although the recovering from the flu took some time.
And the whole experience opened also some old scars in me.

It made me think about the whole culture of working.
About companies not caring enough about the well being of their employees.
That the employees only purpose is to make money for the company.
And our intrinsic value is not seen by what we are, but by what we can produce.

I learned (again),
that no one else is going to take care of you, if you don't take care of yourself.
You are the only one, who knows where your limits are,
how much you can handle, what you need for your recovery.
You are the only one who can maintain the balance and peace in your body and mind.

And I remind myself again,
that other people expectations are theirs, not mine.
And living up to full fill them,
will not pay back happiness for me.

I feel good now.
I'm happy and enjoying my life again.

I hope I can help you by sharing this story.
I hope you will take care of yourself.

Take care.

(Note: I tried my best to write this story in general level and not publicly pointing out to any company specific. I'm only writing my personal experiences along my working career in different companies, which is important for the context of self care. I am truly sorry if my writing is offending somebody.)